Ep #385: Overfunctioning and How to Stop

Well, hello there my friend. Welcome to today's episode. I'm so glad you're here with me. Thanks for joining me. I want to talk to you about a concept today that I actually have known about for years and years, but just on a really very surface level, kind of a thing. And it's not something that I hear a lot of people talking about. There's kind of like little areas where people talk about it more, but in general, I don't hear it as a concept that's discussed that much. And for whatever reason, it was brought back up to my awareness recently. And I thought, you know what? First of all, I should learn more about this. And secondly, I should do a podcast episode on this. And as I learned more, I realized, oh, I absolutely have to do a podcast episode about this. I think this is something that is at play for a lot of people who listen to this. So this might be you.

It probably is you to a certain extent, uh, maybe more for some people than for others. But I think, as you'll see, this is a thing that kind of is at play for a lot of people. And I think it's it's a good thing for us to all think about. And what I'm talking about is overfunctioning. So that term I was always kind of a little confused by it. I'm like, what do you mean, you're overfunctioning? But I learned more about it. And as I have researched this episode, I have really opened my eyes to even areas where I am overfunctioning. So, I will get to this later. 

There is a concept of under-functioning as well. I don't think that the majority are even. Probably a small subset of people who are listening to this episode are in the under functioning category. But just to let you know, there are some of both. And sometimes we’re overfunctioning in one area of our lives and under-functioning in another. So it's not like an all-or-nothing kind of a thing. Where you're either 100% overfunctioning in every area of your life, or you're optimally functioning or you're under-functioning. Okay, so there's some nuance here. And again, this is not like diagnosing anybody with anything. But I think it can be pretty eye-opening, particularly for people who are overeaters.

 

And you're going to see why here. So this concept of overfunctioning, I'm going to put a couple of articles that I referenced heavily for this podcast episode, and I'm going to put the links to them on the show notes page. So if you want to learn more, you can look there. Or you can of course do your own internet search. There's lots of great stuff out there. So overfunctioning, what does it even mean? So what it means is being overly responsible for other people. Okay, so I did an episode a while back on being, you know, super conscientious as a kid. It can be, you know, similar to that, right? Overly responsible for other people. And that includes family, friends, colleagues. 

 

I mean, it literally can even be strangers, you know, like there's times where we just start taking over. I can think of I don't know that I do that so much, but I can think of specifically one person that I know who absolutely does that for sure. So what this means, right? It sounds like, oh, you're responsible. You know, it sounds good. What it means is that you're essentially controlling others, and that controlling of others becomes your automatic way of calming yourself down or managing your anxiety. So overfunctioning is often related to anxiety management or managing of insecurities and things.

 

We'll talk about that a little bit more. So what we also do to manage our anxiety often to calm ourselves down is what? We use food, right? So either we're eating food that, you know, maybe is heavily palatable or very sweet or refined or whatever, and that helps us. Or it's overeating of food, just of all types. And so for those of us who don't have a lot of tools and skills to help ourselves when we're feeling anxious or stressed, you know, we might be overfunctioning.

 

We might also be using food to help or maybe doing other things as well. And so I think that for people who are overeaters, it's something to consider for sure. Now, I think many years ago, before I became a coach and was a coach myself, I would have been like, I'm not anxious, what are you talking about? But what I have learned is that everybody experiences anxiety, whether it's something that's a true diagnosable thing or you identify that actively in yourself or not. Of course, everybody gets nervous or worried or anxious. It's a normal emotion. And often when we're, you know, using food to make ourselves feel better, we just don't even realize what we're doing. We just, you know, go back to the good old standard of I just like food, you know, kind of a thing.

 

So just, you know, my suggestion is just to have a bit of an open mind as you listen to this today and see if anything resonates. You know, it's like. I'm not saying you have this as an issue or not, but it might actually resonate a little bit. And so yeah, we'll see. We'll see what you think. So over functionaries, people who overfunction, there are often people who really like have it together, you know, like they're super detail-oriented or they're really organized. They're really, really competent. They tend to be really reliable as workers, as partners, as parents. They're often really good leaders, really good problem solvers, and high achievers. 

 

Does that sound like you? I'm betting it does at least part of what I said. Okay, so just follow me along here. So people who are overfunctioning are going to take on the responsibilities, the emotions, the needs and even the well-being of the people who are around them, like all the people in their lives, whether those people want us to do that or not. And it's done as a way, like I said, to manage our own anxiety or our own insecurities. This is what's so interesting, right? It's like whether they want us to do it or not, we're doing it. So one of the articles I read, the author said when I first saw the word overfunctioning and read the description, I identified with it, but I initially brushed it off.

 

Someone has to get things done around here. And I thought, oh, that's so good, right? Because many of us are like, yeah, I probably am overfunctioning. And it's a good thing because otherwise, everything would fall apart, right? But then they go on to write, “But like dealing with high functioning anxiety, people pleasing or perfectionism, which are three things that over functioners might also identify with. Overfunctioning is not sustainable or fair to those around us, even though it might seem like it is to us.” Okay. So I find that we're doing that overfunctioning. And then when it doesn't become sustainable anymore for lots of different reasons, we're often turning to food. The result of overfunctioning is these are things that we are often coaching on. 

 

In the Weight Loss for Doctors Only coaching program that I run, you know, this is like as I learn more about this, I'm like, oh my gosh, yes, this is another angle to help us to understand why we struggle in the way that we do, and to give us some framework to help us to move out of that or, you know, retreat. We want to be optimally functioning, not overfunctioning. 

 

So here's the thing, you know, doing all the things right – it's something that is glorified. We're praised for it. Modern society loves this. It's like, yep, you do it all. What is becoming more and more clear is that there are definite negative impacts to overfunctioning. And those include burnout, stress, more anxiety, sleep problems, physical health issues in other things as well. So a lot of the things that doctors are really struggling with these days can be the result of overfunctioning. So when you're overfunctioning, you're really just doing more than is sustainable, more than is healthy, and more than is appropriate for you as an individual. Like, we can't just say this much is overfunctioning and this much isn't. It's much more about what is sustainable, healthy, and appropriate. 

 

So classic characteristics of overfunctioning include being really overly focused on another person's problems or life situation. You see this a lot where it's just like, you know, somebody is just thinking a lot about a relative, a family member, someone at work, right? So that can be a classic characteristic, also offering frequent advice or help to other people, which is usually unsolicited. Right. People don't like that. They don't really actually doing things that are part of another person's life responsibilities. And then telling ourselves, if I don't do it, then it won't happen.

 

That's so it's so good. And like it kind of hurts at the same time, right? Feeling anger when help is not appreciated, or if the person who's under-functioning. Because if we have an overfunctioner, we need an under-functioner, or if the under-functioner doesn't change or even doesn't want to change, that can be pretty brutal, right? Feeling really angry about that, right? It's like I'm doing all this for you. And I think about it as almost like the classic trope of a woman who, you know, works and maybe has a family of like, “I do everything around here and nobody appreciates it,” you know, like right thinking everyone needs to be different. 

 

So also, if the person overfunctioning believes that they know a better way for other people to be living. I mean, we talk about this a lot. Like, I mean, if people just live their lives the way I think they should, it would be great, but they don't. When we tell ourselves that we know how to live other people's lives better than they do. It creates a lot of emotional strife for us and often for them too. 

 

And so also classic characteristics include frequently feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and neglecting self-care. And this is so important because what we talk so much about in my program, to be able to, you know, not rely on food so much, it involves actually having to take care of yourself, needing to have a bit of an inner life, being able to spend time with yourself, meet your own needs, take care of yourself. You know, not only just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. And so those are the first things that get thrown away often when we're overfunctioning.

 

So overfunctioning can be seen as kind of like a type of enabling. But really the intent of it is the opposite. Like when we're over functioning, we're like, no, I'm helping this person. I'm like actually getting them to do better. That's what we think is happening. You might be like, oh, is this like co-dependence? And what I saw online is that the true classic definition of co-dependence usually is going to involve the other person having some sort of form of addiction. I don't think it always has to, but it often does. I think the codependency term has sometimes been used a little bit more broadly in recent years. So, you know, if that's a term that you really resonate with and it makes a lot of sense to you, then that might also be part of it. 

 

But in this for what we're doing today, we're not going to talk about that so much. So why do we even do this? Why do we overfunction? So sometimes we're placed into that overfunctioning role. As a young person. You know, we have to assume this role of being super responsible or overly functioning within the family system. So that can be because the parent or the adults in charge, like they're either not there, maybe they have an illness, they're just not able, for whatever reason, to take on that role. I know that there are plenty of people who can identify with that. You know, they just kind of had to take over for any number of reasons. So if that's you, I think that's important to recognize.

 

You know, this was something that was required of you when you were a child if you resonate with us. And so it would make sense, particularly as you're developing as a child, that you would continue that same behavior into adulthood. Some other causes are having a lot of anxiety when you're watching someone else make mistakes or do things that seem unwise, you know? Like you're like watching the train crash and you're just like, oh my gosh, so, so, so anxious about it. I mean, I don't know that any of us really enjoy that or don't feel anything about it, but it is something that we can work on for sure. 

 

And I know that some people for sure have extreme anxiety or really intolerable feelings when something like that is happening. Other causes are feeling a sense of guilt or obligation to help someone. This often happens in a family type of dynamic where you know, whatever the background story is makes us feel like we've done something wrong. We need to make up for that or our beliefs about ourselves within the family unit require us, obligate us to help someone in a certain way. 

 

Another cause is getting into a relationship with somebody when they're under-functioning wasn't really super noticeable to you. Maybe you didn't see it, maybe it didn't seem like a big deal at the time. And then before you know it, you're like in a relationship with somebody who's under-functioning and stepping up and over-functioning to compensate. Another cause is using another person's life and problems as a distraction from our own life and problems. Ooh.

 

You know where I talk about something similar to this is when I talk about weight loss drama, like food drama. Often I have found just because I've been doing this a long time and working with a lot of people over the years, a lot of doctors is that sometimes when we have a lot of ups and downs with the food and like, we're, you know, we create a plan and we're following it, then we're not, and then we can do it for a couple days and then we can't do it anymore. And it just creates a lot of mental drama, a lot of emotions, a lot of ups and downs, and things like that. 

 

Sometimes there's like a subtext there that they're not even aware of, which is if I can just stay consumed with the ups and downs of trying to lose weight and not succeeding, then I don't have to actually address why I'm overeating in the first place. I, you know, I don't have to address the fact that I have a serious concern about my child or a serious concern about my marriage, or, you know, I'm miserable in my work or something like that. So important to see that here, too, this overfunctioning. 

It was essentially using someone else's life and problems to distract you. Hmm. Okay, I'm going to give you a long list of examples of overfunctioning, and I want you to see what you think and we'll discuss at the end of it.

 

Okay. So here's some examples.

 

Making sure your partner wakes up and goes to bed at a certain time. Using phrases like no worries in emails to calm other people down. Having goals and aspirations for your partner or child that they don't have for themselves. Finishing people's sentences when they're anxious. Lecturing family members about how to eat healthier. Make better choices that they should date certain people, etc. Giving advice to someone who hasn't asked for any. Always picking the restaurant for your friend group. Lecturing a family member about how to cook dinner when they've volunteered. Reminding people they should hurry up and book travel. That one got me. I was like, oh my gosh. Doing something for your child that they can do so it will create less of a mess. 

 

I mean. Yes. Doing something for someone that they can do because it will take less time. Oh my gosh. Yes. Taking on a task at work because teaching another staff member will be frustrating. Keeping a mental schedule for your partner because they often forget appointments. Being overly accommodating when people need to reschedule meetings – I think a lot of people resonate with that. Not sharing important beliefs to prevent making others anxious. Telling people on the internet what they should think and how they should act. Hopefully, you're not someone who's doing that, but we all know those people exist. Reminding someone to take their medicine.

 

Telling someone what to order. Researching information for someone who can look it up. Creating a secret alternative plan when you know someone will mess up. When I read that, I'm totally serious. I literally laughed out loud. I was like, oh man, this person knows us. Creating the secret alternative plan. Reminding your spouse or partner to call their family. Taking over a family tradition because you think you can do it better. Giving your adult parent dating advice. Explaining someone else's thinking in a work meeting when they're present. Updating your friends and family about people they could contact themselves. Putting more food on someone's plate when they haven't requested it. 

 

Oh, I know we're often on the receiving end of that. Hiding alcohol or food from someone so they won't overindulge. Taking over for a colleague when they won't do a task the same way you will. Giving someone directions when they are capable of finding their way. Buying someone a self-help book you've recommended. People don't like that too much. Doing something for someone after they've communicated they're capable. Reminding an employee about an upcoming due date they already know about. Talking to a doctor on behalf of someone who is capable of communicating. Making decisions for an adult parent that they can make themselves. Mind reading the wishes of a family member without asking them. Telling a driver when to stop, speed up or turn. Constantly checking in with someone who's agreed to take on a project.

 

Doing a task for someone when you know the task is going to frustrate them. Leaving instructions for a job that a person could easily figure out themselves. Furiously completing tasks for others when you feel bored, anxious, or distressed. Planning out a day for someone who you know will complain about being bored. Talking a lot to fill in the gaps and awkward pauses in conversations. Hectoring people to follow your previous unsolicited advice. Trying to convince someone that your thinking is right. Automatically paying for something to calm someone down. Taking over a group project that is coming together slowly. Steering your child away from experiences that may result in failure. Worrying about other people's responsibilities. And finally, always volunteering for the most challenging piece of a project. 

 

Now I feel like I can hear you and you're like, look, I mean, come on, some of these things like you have to do, they're not that bad, right? It seems like a lot of them, they're relatively harmless. I think a lot of them are also a bit of a spectrum. Right? A little bit of that is probably fine. A lot of that is probably too much, right? So really what it comes down to is this it's not that we sometimes do these little things, but it's more that when acting these ways becomes the automatic way that we manage our stress, right? We end up preventing others from becoming more capable like we're taking it on.

 

It's interesting. It's like we want our partners. This is a thing that comes up a lot in coaching. We want our partners to help more, maybe even take on responsibilities entirely on their own. But then we want to make sure that nothing slips through the cracks and they don't forget stuff. So then we overfunction to clean up behind them, instead of letting them make mistakes and learning from them and actually becoming autonomous in their own way. Right?  So you might be like, yeah, but I have totally people in my life who love when I do this. This isn't a problem at all. So when you have people in your life who are happy to let you take over so that everyone is calm and things run more smoothly then they are under-functioning, and this doesn't even necessarily mean that that's a bad thing, it's just a thing to notice. 

 

So an example of this might be say that you are really, really good at putting together travel plans, you know, putting together a vacation or a trip or something like that, and you really like it and it's fun for you, and you kind of know what everyone's needs are. And so you're able to choose things that are going to work for everybody. And your partner hates doing that and isn't good at it. You know, when they're in charge, it just never seems to go well. Like, are they under-functioning in that? I mean, we could say yes, maybe, but there's if there's no negative consequence to it, then I don't think it's a problem.

 

It's not like, okay, you're doing this for everybody all the time to your own detriment, you know, or you're so frustrated because everyone expects it and no one appreciates it. And you know, it's starting to create problems now. It is a problem. But if your partner needed to or wanted to learn how to do better with these things, you could train them, they could learn how to do that, and they could become more optimally functioning in that way. So I think that's a good distinction. Like it's not necessarily so bad. It's just are you overfunctioning in a whole bunch of areas of your life? Slash is the overfunctioning creating a problem for you? 

 

Okay. So when you are overfunctioning in a relationship, just kind of by default the other person is under-functioning. So just kind of take that in. And like I said like really digging into under-functioning I think is outside of the scope of this episode. But you can learn more about that of course, by googling that. Okay. So what's an optimally functioning person like? What are we trying to do? So, you know, the functioning means like making decisions, managing yourself like your time, managing your emotions, your stress, all that stuff, being responsible for the things that you're, you know, taking part in, that you're involved in, that you're able to operate as an autonomous human being.

 

Okay. That's essentially what the functioning is. So when we're functioning optimally, we've got a good schedule. We're staying on top of things. We're meeting deadlines at work, at home. We're making decisions for ourselves. Even if we want to seek some advice, it's okay, but we're making decisions for ourselves. We're not taking on more than our share of responsibility, and we are successfully fulfilling the roles that we have in our lives. Right? Like parent, partner, you know, employee boss, you know, all those things. Okay? So like an optimally functioning person, think of them as having really just 100% responsibility for their life, okay? 

 

Like they're just like take on that responsibility, understanding that they own that. So that's kind of like the that's where we're trying to get to. But here's what's really, really important. We want to be very clear that we're not getting all or nothing on this. Okay. So an optimally functioning person, it's an ideal, right. If you can achieve it, it's typically not going to be something that you can maintain for an ongoing period of time. This is important, right? We all know that when I read that I was like, yeah, that makes complete sense, where it's like, you know, you have those periods where you're like, I'm winning at life.

 

Like everything's trucking along. Things are going super great. You know, that's really, really awesome, great, amazing. But then we have to understand that there often are then some inconsistencies, right? Where we end up kind of flipping into overfunctioning or under-functioning in other areas. So for instance, it could be that a lot more work stuff shows up. And so then you are, you know, either overfunctioning maybe at work or maybe optimally functioning at work, but then under -functioning at home or with your own personal goals, maybe under-functioning in your relationships, some things like that. Right. So there can be some of those inconsistencies. 

 

So this is something that we're aiming to try to get to. But we want to be careful about the arrival fallacy. You know like that. Just like I just know like when I get to optimally functioning, like life's gonna be great. Like I don't think that's a useful way of thinking about it. I think what we want to instead do is just try to identify better. Where are we overfunctioning? Where are we under-functioning, and then moving more towards that optimal ideal, taking steps towards that without the explicit intent of reaching it. You know what I mean? So for most of the people, I think, you know, in we're listening to this, you're going to recognize that, right? There's times when you're like doing a little more over here and a little less over here.

 

And, and it kind of works itself out. And if that's what's happening, amazing. Like, I think you're doing great, but where it really becomes a problem is when you're really drifting into high levels of overfunctioning based on what's happening in life or possibly very high levels of under-functioning or, you know, functioning at a very low level when the fluctuations become more extreme or more consistent is when we want to pay a little more attention. So, you know, everybody just again, just to normalize this, everybody struggles with making everything work, you know, in life. Right. And we need help from people who are in our lives who care about us. 

 

Like a lot of the things I was saying, you might be like, oh my gosh, am I the under-functioning? Or like, it's okay for us to help one another, right? It's just when it's become if it's like, you know, you are helping with someone's calendar when they are capable of handling their own calendar, it's a good idea to ask yourself, why are you doing that? So another thing, if they cannot, if they are not capable of managing their calendar, then yeah, of course, you know, like you get some help, like it's totally fine. Okay. So hopefully that distinction is clear here. So when there are problems is when we are, you know, need our ears to, to perk up.

 

So when there are larger problems in our lives, in our relationships that are emerging, when the issues that that this results in become more fixed patterns is when we need to spend some more time on this. So then what do you do? How do you interrupt this. And so I think it's a good idea to understand like what is kind of required. Like what do you have to do to interrupt that overfunctioning. And the first thing as always is building awareness. So understanding observing more like watching and noticing. How do you behave, how do you think when you're overfunctioning and then how do others respond to your overfunctioning. Right. You're just watching. 

 

You're not asking yourself to change anything. You're just noticing, you know, when those around you truly don't want or appreciate your help. And that can be a clear sign that you're overfunctioning. Right. So just like opening your eyes up to how is this received? How do I feel when I do this? What are my thoughts about this very important place to start? Okay. And then from there you can start to identify, oh, this is an area where I'm overfunctioning. Then you need to think about like what do you actually want to do that? What do you want to be thinking? How do you want to be feeling and how do you want to act instead? You know, this is that thinking cycle again.

 

So because we know that we can choose how we think, we can work on that. Like you have current thoughts, if you're overfunctioning in an area, you have current thoughts that create an emotion and then you take action on that. If you want to take different actions, have different results, you need to be thinking and feeling differently, right? So you can spend some time thinking about that, thinking about how you want to think. Right? Another big part of this is being willing to sit with the discomfort of letting other people be responsible for themselves. 

 

When we're really expert over functions, it will be. Very uncomfortable for us. All right, at least some level of uncomfortable for us to just let people fly and see what happens. And so, you know, often we talk about this, it's like, yes, you have control over the way that you think. But also having uncomfortable emotions or negative emotions is a normal part of being a human. And we don't want to tell ourselves that we can just outthink that all the time. So it's like, yes, when we can change our thoughts and that's effective, amazing. And when we are feeling what we're feeling, we need to increase our capacity to be with those feelings and also know how to process them, how to move them through us so that we are hopefully in a position where we're more open to thinking differently.

 

So once you understand how to sit with that, or you've built up some of those skills of being with that discomfort, you also want to look for opportunities to actually go into this discomfort. Right. Because the most comfortable thing for you, even though it creates problems, is going to be to overfunction. So you have to kind of be like, ooh, okay. This is a place where I would typically go and do it and that would make me feel better, but instead I'm going to not do it. And on purpose, I'm not going to feel as good because of the big picture. It's very similar to overeating. 

 

Like, I can eat this cookie now. It will make me feel good for five minutes, but then it creates problems for me ongoing, right? Long term. Or I can be with the desire to eat a cookie and allow myself to want it and not have it in exchange for the long-term results that I want. See, this parallels totally right there. So you're going to look for those opportunities, and then you're just going to practice and reinforce those new thoughts and actions. And what I would say too is if you're like, oh my gosh, I'm doing this in so many areas of my life, I want to caution you to start trying to make changes and become aware everywhere you can kind of crash and burn. It just becomes too much.

 

So my suggestion is that you identify a certain area or relationship and just focus on that first because once you start learning how to do it and you are receding into optimal functioning in that area, it will just start to ooze into the other areas as well. It'll become much easier to do that. So another author of an article that I'll link for you wrote about putting this kind of thing into practice, and I think she said on a great day, I can sit on my hands as my daughter makes a mess while eating a peach. So that's on a great day. Or when a group of humans bumbles their way through a task I could do on my own on a good day. So that was a great day. 

 

On a good day, I'm halfway through a sentence when I realize that I'm trying to calm everyone else down instead of myself, but most days, my autopilot thwarts any opportunity for me to be my best self. The most I can do is keep paying attention, remind myself of who I want to be, and try again. And I thought that was just so real. You know, like this whole idea of like being optimally functioning, whatever. It's like, yeah, like we're going to have days where we're like, I'm winning life right now, like amazing. And you're also going to have a lot of days where you're like, wow, just wow.

 

You know, like, okay, at least I'm aware of what's happening. I'm going to keep working on this, you know, trying again. Okay. So it really can be hard for people who over function to give just 100% and nothing more, like think how often it's like we give 110%, 150%, 200%, like no, just 100%, nothing more. Just what you're responsible for and nothing more. So finally, I want to wrap it up with some questions to ask yourself to. I think these would be great things to journal on, to just kind of contemplate and think to yourself. So number one is when does my sensitivity to others' anxiety make me overly helpful? 

 

You know, I did an episode a while back on sensitivity, and I think a lot of us who are more sensitive like we can really read the room, we can pick up on the fact, like that person is like in a bad way, or is stressed out, really anxious, and we're like, oh, let me make a beeline to that person and just tell them what I'm going to do to make them feel better, you know, like so, so, you know, notice, are you doing that anywhere? When does that happen? Um, number two, how would I like to be less responsible for others and more responsible for myself? And this is such a good question, because in our efforts to be more responsible for others then is reasonable, right? When we're overfunctioning for others, something has to give, and it is quite often the majority of the time it is the care that we need and deserve from ourselves, right? We drop our responsibilities for ourselves so that we can take on others responsibilities.

 

And the invitation here is to figure out how to be appropriately responsible in interactions with others, and work on optimal functioning and responsibility for ourselves. And then finally, what are upcoming opportunities for me to turn off that autopilot that way that we just are normally functioning without thinking about it and let other people manage themselves? I think a really good thing for you to question for yourself if you have children, particularly if they're not really itty bitty, tiny is to really question your thoughts about what they can do and what they can manage for themselves. 

 

I am going to tell you something that I want to be clear. I am not by any stretch telling you that I haven't figured out or I did it perfectly or anything like that. That's not what I'm saying here. But when my oldest son, who's just graduating from high school in literally a week from tomorrow. When did I start doing this? Well, for sure, when he went to high school. But even like in seventh and eighth grade, I mean, basically sixth grade kind of too. I basically said, look, I believe in you and your ability to keep track of your assignments, keep track of what your responsibilities are, and create systems for yourself so things don't drop, you know, so nothing falls through the cracks.

 

I know you can do this. And also if you need help, I'm here and in my mind took what I think is a pretty hands-off approach. I think once he got into ninth grade, I always did it on my Google calendar. Everybody has their own color-coded calendar like every one of my family is assigned a color. And then that way when I put like say, if I have to put an appointment on for one of my kids, I put it on on their calendar so it shows up in their color. And then by the color, we know who it's for. And so that's just how I've always run everything. So once he got a little older, I just shared his calendar with him so he knew what I had on the calendar for him. And I was just like, yeah, there's your calendar. 

 

Once we started going back to school with COVID-19, his school actually did a thing where they went every other day in person and on the off days they were virtual. And literally every other day. And I just straight up told him I was like, so here's the deal. If you don't have that on your calendar correctly, I cannot guarantee you that I'm going to be able to get you to school like it's got to be on the calendar and it's got to be on there correctly, and it's your responsibility to do that.

 

And he did it, you know. Now again, if he couldn't do it I would work on teaching him how to do it. I would really help him to do that. But I kind of looked at it like, I'm going to just believe in him, that he can do it. I'm going to let him know that I believe in him, that he can do it right. I'm offering him thoughts that he can think about himself, that instill confidence in him, help him to think positively about himself. I can do this. And then I just let him try. Now it turns out that really, for the most part, he was able to do it, which was awesome for me. 

 

But I was always, always very willing to get involved if I had to. So he knew I would help. I was there if he needed help, but I was only going to get involved if he needed help. I want to be clear this isn't going to be right for every kid you know. There's kids with learning differences and all kinds of things going on, and this may not be the right thing for every kid. So I just want to be super clear about that. But it's just an example of. Letting him manage himself because he needs to learn this.

 

You know, I was like no one when I went to college was like looking over my shoulder. Actually, even when I was in high school, no one was looking over my shoulder. I knew what I needed to do, and I just handled it. And so I realized, like, if I do that for him, he will actually not develop that skill and I am not going to be doing that for him later in his life. So he better learn it now when the stakes are lower. Right. So. Did that require me to sit with some discomfort? Yeah. Like sometimes. I mean, I'd go to a parent teacher conference. They're like, well, as I'm sure you've seen, these are his grades. I'm like, no, I never look at anything. 

 

And they were like, some of them teachers were like, oh, some of them are like, God bless you. Literally. One of them said, God bless you. He's been a teacher over 40 years. He was like, oh, that's so good. Keep doing what you're doing. Anyway, I just wanted to put that out there as an example. It does require me to have that discomfort of not knowing for sure that it'll all get done. I don't really know when his tests are. I don't know when papers are due, but he does, and I know that he can handle that. And if he doesn't, there's natural consequences. And. That is generally motivating for a lot of people.

 

You know what I mean?

 

So it's just an example, I think, where we can think about that. Like another example I gave, uh, you know, recently when I was talking about delegating things was when I basically let my husband take over swimming for my two kids, my two younger kids, and I know nothing about any of it. And I was willing to let him bump his head. I was willing for the kids to be disappointed because they didn't get signed up for something. To not have to think about it and just to know that it's someone else's responsibility. So those are some examples of where we can move into whatever optimal functioning looks like for us. Right. 

 

But I do just want to say that sometimes I truly think that the best gift you can give somebody that you know you love or care about is truly to take a step back and let them actually function for themselves, like let them learn how to do it. If they don't, if they already know how. Like, right. Just like let them live their lives. If they don't know how yet, like step back and let them learn. It can require some some discomfort. All right. This ended up way longer than I expected. And so maybe this took you a couple a couple car lessons or something to get through. But I thought this was really, really good stuff. Gave me a lot of food for thought, as I hope it will for you as well, and just recognize that a lot of this is very closely tied to overeating and food.

 

So when you're working on the emotional part of losing weight, keeping it off, creating peace and freedom around food, which I always talk about, this is an important aspect of that. All right, my friend, thank you so much for joining me. Sticking it out to the end. It's good stuff and I'll talk to you next week. Take care.