Ep #347: Outrage Addiction

Welcome to the Weight Loss for Busy Physicians podcast. I'm your host, master Certified life and weight loss coach, Katrina Ubell, M.D. This is the podcast where busy doctors like you come to learn how to lose weight for the last time by harnessing the power of your mind. If you're looking to overcome your stress, eating and exhaustion and move into freedom around food, you're in the right place. Well, hello, my friend. Welcome to today's episode. Thank you for joining me today. I have a really good episode for you. I am excited to share this information.

It's something that's been cooking for me for many, many, many months now, and I think I finally just kind of gathered enough tidbits of information here and there to actually be able to offer you something that I think is going to be really useful for you. It's not going to be something that you're going to be unfamiliar with, meaning it is something you're going to be like, Oh yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about, but it's something that I think a lot of people really don't know what to do with. And I think a lot of people also think that they don't struggle with it as much as other people do when think that's not actually the case. So I want to, as we start, invite you to set an intention for yourself on how you're going to receive this information that I'm going to share.

And what I mean by that is this is a topic that a lot of us it's very easy for us to go, Oh, you know what, my brother, my cousin, my best friend, my father, my mother in law, whoever, someone in our lives that we know, we're like, Oh my gosh, this is the perfect episode for them. They need this so much like we can see the problem in other people so much more easily than we see it in ourselves. And it's right away we're like, Yes, yes, yes. Thinking that we don't engage in this behavior and that others do. So others need this help, but we don't really need this help.

And what I want to offer to you today or invite you to do is to just open your mind while you're listening to the idea that it's probably pretty much guaranteed that you participate in this behavior, at least in some way, maybe way more than you even realize. Or maybe you do realize it and you want some help in reducing it. And what I'm talking about is outrage addiction. And I was looking at different terms for this because I was kind of like, is addiction the best word to describe this? Is that what I should really use? It's interesting online did a quick Internet search. There's a lot of information out there about outrage addiction. Some people call it mad addiction, like being addicted to being mad. Some people are calling it righteous indignation.
Other people call it indignant self-righteousness. There's all kinds of different ways to approach this. But I think outrage addiction actually makes the most sense to call it this. There's even books written on this subject. There are literally people working the 12 steps that a lot of people use to heal themselves from addiction and are working those 12 steps to get themselves to stop engaging in outrage in that. There are some articles I found online titled Your Addiction to Outrage is Ruining Your Life. And I think we can all see that playing out somewhere in the world. But what I'm really interested today in talking to you about is you and how this might actually be impacting you in your life.
And we'll talk at the end about some strategies about what to do about it, because what I do notice is a lot of the things that are written about it are very problem focused, like educating us on the issue, which is great and important information, not so much on what to do about it, how to get out of it. And this is something that, like I said, we often think we don't contribute to this, but most of the time we do. And I am not immune. I mean, I totally, in the past for sure have contributed to this. Like I could give many, many, many examples that I won't bore you with, but also just even in the last several years, I've been working actively to try to disengage with because this is a brain hijacking kind of a thing, right? It's not like we look at people who are addicted to crystal meth or heroin or fentanyl or things like that and say like that they're emotionally weak or something.
Right? There's a reason like these drugs are literally designed to hijack our brains and make us more focused on that and in some cases even solely focused on that. And outrage is actually not that different, kind of shockingly not that different. So please don't immediately think of the person in your life who you think needs to listen to this. Okay? Let that person in your life be you for today. Okay. So let's just talk about outrage a little bit. Anything that we take part in, there's a reason why we do it. There's an upside. There's something that we get from it.
Very often when I'm coaching clients, they'll be like, Oh, I just cannot stop overeating. And I'm like, okay, so there is some benefit to you to keep overeating. Let's try to figure out what it is. And sometimes they're kind of surprised. They're like, What do you mean there's no benefit? I'm like, No, if there was no benefit, you would not do it. So let's figure out what the benefits are and then we know what we're working with and we know what we can work through and process and decide how we want to think and things like that.
So it's really important to understand that there's a lot of perceived benefits from engaging in outrage. And I guess I didn't give you some examples. I mean, I feel like it's self-explanatory, but all you have to do is just look around and people are very insulated, very siloed, very. Thinking that everyone should think the way that they do and believe the things that they do and very vehemently oppose somebody who pushes back on that or disagrees. Not to the point of thinking like, well, we just disagree, but really being outraged, thinking sometimes even hateful things about people or institutions or, you know, situations really, really pushing back and being super outraged to the point where social media is just full of this.
You know, the news media, the general news cycle is often really full of this because it hooks our brains. It gets us to look. And we'll talk a little bit more about what it actually does in our brains. So there are people out there who are leveraging the way our brains respond to this, to get our attention, to get us more outraged, to make us more divided for whatever gain that may be. And I think it can be as simple as, you know, people who are just Internet trolls who just like getting a rise out of people and just like seeing people get upset all the way up to maybe bigger or, you know, possibly even more nefarious intentions behind doing that.
So I think the best thing that we can do is develop a lot of self awareness around this and really just understand what we are engaging in, at least maybe to a small extent, maybe for some people, to a large extent. And even if you can honestly say, you know, I'm not engaging in that at all, just understanding the constant beckoning by the people who are doing this to engage us in it, right? So we can be aware and try to avoid that. So there's several things we get from outrage. Outrage really becomes for many of us, it's become a source of connection.
And, you know, I'm largely thinking about this in terms of being a doctor and working maybe in some sort of organized administrative kind of setting. But this really applies to any area of your life. There's nothing like a common complaint to pull people together. You know, And in this day and age where a lot of people feel very lonely, they have lost a lot of their social connections, joining with other people who are outraged about the same things as you are can really make us feel. Mike were part of the group. You know, like that gives us a kind of itches or scratches that itch that we have for wanting to feel connected to others. When we are outraged, we can feel like we're part of the group, you know, like we belong, like we're part of the good guys.
We're part of the people who've got this figured out or who are on the right, you know, and and I don't mean politically on the right. I mean like in the right, I guess, is what I mean. And I think sometimes this even shows up in a more subtle context. And we'll call that the Snark recently coached a client of mine who was talking about how she was like super duper into the snark. And that was a big way that she and her work friends all really interacted. They're all still interacting that same way. They're still thinking that same way. And she's decided she doesn't want to think that way anymore and really has, you know, just changed her perspective. And it has actually made it harder for her to connect with those people.
So it's kind of interesting, right? It's like we want to be a part of that group, but the only way we can be part of that group is if we are thinking the same way. So we have to be outraged about the same stuff. It's like, you know, we have to be bought into the group. Think this is the way the group thinks. So therefore we must too. When we are outraged, we get to feel some feelings. We like to feel okay. We get to feel right.
I mean, it feels real good for us to feel right for some of us more than others. You know, I've coached literally 16 over 1600 women physicians over the last many years, and I've coached on this a lot. You know what's right, what's wrong? It's like, do you want a relationship or do you want to be right? You know, like that's it's a hard thing for a lot of people to give up. Some people really get more out of feeling right than others. But we do all like feeling right. We get to feel smart. We get to feel kind of like moral or pure, you know, like we are really on the good side.
We're on the right side of history, things like that. We get to feel more self esteem. Like ultimately you get to just feel better about yourself. When you are participating in this outrage, at least initially, you get a dopamine hit. It really does make you feel better, especially in the moment. In some ways, it's actually a more intense version of gossip. Gossip is another thing, right? We're talking about people or about situations that are not really our business to be discussing, are probably not in a supportive or positive way, but they do make us feel better about ourselves. At least I'm not like them. Right. And the other thing that is happening that I don't think as many people really recognize is that when you are in a place of outrage or even just in anger, particularly a lot as uncomfortable as that feels, it actually is often much more comfortable and at least more familiar than what are the emotions that are deeper down.
So I kind of call emotions like anger and rage. They're often like a cover emotion, meaning that they're covering up other emotions that we don't want to deal with. So those emotions can be fear. They can be guilt, they can be shame, They can be despair. You know, we don't want to sit there and feel afraid. So we'll just get angry. We'll just lash out. And often that was the behavior that was modeled to us when we were growing up. Not for everybody, but for a lot of people. So we're much more comfortable with anger than we are with recognizing that we feel scared or we feel afraid, or we feel like we might have done something wrong. Right.
Feeling guilt, feeling something's wrong with us, with shame or despair. It's never going to get better, You know, Whatever it is, is horrible. And we're going to be stuck here. So recognizing that, like, sometimes we're like, why don't I want to give this up? Well, because then we might have to actually look at some of these other emotions which you can learn how to process those. You can learn how to expand your capacity to feel them so that you don't need to push back on them or avoid them so much.
Okay. So now let's talk about the costs of outrage, because there's a price we pay, right? We get something from it and that comes at a price. So remember, I mentioned that outrage is a source of connection, but overall, it ends up actually making you feel disconnected. Okay. So when you are in this group where everyone's thinking the same way and you feel a connection to that, you are actually much less connected to the scores of people who are also all around you, right? Rather than feeling more connection all around, you actually only feel connection to the small group of people and you feel disconnected from others.
It can leave you feeling even more alone and it'll make you often feel like you don't want to leave that group because this is a place where you've found that sense of belonging like you're part of the group. But if you decide you want to think differently, then you will be all alone because you're disconnected from everyone else and you're not able to connect with those same people because you have to be thinking that same way. So some people will say they feel like they can't really be themselves, you know, particularly as we just grow and change as we mature and grow up as humans. Right. It's kind of like if you're not participating in that groupthink, then you will be or fear you'll be rejected, right? So that's not actually true connection.
So we get that kind of almost like artificial sense of connection because we're part of that group. But it's actually not true connection. It's not true acceptance of who we are as people. It's I will accept you as long as like with the, the conditions being that you must think the same way I do, that we must believe the same things. It's like the stipulation behind that connection. So therefore if we are not, you know, exactly in lock step. Now we're losing that group and we feel more disconnected. So that's often, you know, really not a great thing. It makes us want to hang on to these connections, to these groups where we may not even feel like we belong anymore, where we may not even feel like it's actually helping us or supportive.
But we're too afraid of having nothing, so we'd rather stick with that. There is ultimately a cost to feeling superior. When you are outraged. You do feel better in the short term, but overall you don't feel good, right? Because you are outraged. So it doesn't feel good to be angry all the time, even though it's made you feel a little better in the short term.
So then we will often resort to other compensatory behaviors to try to soothe and comfort ourselves. So this is, I mean, classic eating, right? If you find yourself, you know, you're just so furious all day long and then you come home and you're like, why am I eating this in front of the TV? Why am I having another glass of wine? Because you still ultimately are trying to feel better.
Living in a state of outrage does not feel good in the long term. And there's a cost to those repeated dopamine hits every time we are outraged. You know, this is actually very similar to what we traditionally think of as substances that or, you
know, activities, behaviors that people become addicted to when you are getting these dopamine hits frequently, that righteousness, that self righteousness, that indignation, you feel like you're so much smarter and more superior and all this stuff, you get that dopamine hit. But over the course of time your brain will actually downregulate the number of dopamine receptors that it has.

So you will not feel as good with each of those outrage experiences over the course of time. And what you'll find is just like we end up eating more and more sugar or drinking more and more alcohol, or shopping more and more, or spending more and more time on social media. You spend more and more time being outraged, taking in information that creates outrage like you're chasing that high again. You're trying to get yourself to feel really good. To what end? Right? Like, ultimately, it has such a cost. And when you are using outrage as a cover emotion, the cost is that you're stuffing down those deeper emotions, which only makes them fester.
It's not like if you stuff down the fear and instead sit with outrage like you're not still afraid. You know, outrage can just be energy directed outward, where the fear is more that energy inward. What if I'm not okay? What if I'm not safe? And that still is there. The outrage is just a distraction away from that. So really, ultimately, the cost of outrage is your overall experience of your life. The overall experience of your life can start to feel pretty sucky when you are in outrage all the time, your well being suffers.
And when that happens, you start having thoughts of, you know, escaping or running away or, you know, that can look like you're wanting to move to a different area of the country or to a different country, like thinking that grass is greener somewhere else, like they don't have problems there. Sometimes we look at like we're just trying to escape our work environment. I'm going to leave medicine or I'm going to find a different job. It's going to be better over there. Then I won't have to feel the way I feel. I won't have to be so outraged all the time, not recognizing that we are totally playing a huge part in creating that outrage and that our brains follow us. You know, there's always something to be outraged about, if that's what you ask your brain to show you.
And so when you start noticing that, like, I can't take it here any longer, that's how you start knowing those dopamine hits, right? They're not so available anymore. It's getting bad, right? Outrage is exhausting over time. It is very depleting and it's very divisive. And it's also really easy for this to bleed out into other areas of our lives. Like if you are spending most of your day at work in outrage, you know, and you're just so upset and frustrated and pushing back on everything, then when you get home or you're, you know, with the people that you love, like how is that bleeding into your other relationships? Because it's probably not just a complete break and you're totally switching gears when you're home.
This can definitely harm the most important relationships in your life when you're spending a lot of time there. You know, there are a lot of people who struggle with outrage addiction, where it maybe started in their place of employment, and now they're outraged at their partner or they're outraged at, you know, their children, they're outraged at their siblings, at their parents. Like it's just everything is pushing back resistance, resistance, resistance. And here's the thing that is really, really interesting. So outrage turns into contempt. So let's just talk about what contempt is. The Oxford Dictionary defines contempt as the feeling that a person. Or a thing is beneath consideration. Worthless or deserving scorn.
Contempt is the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless or deserving scorn. Mean all you have to do is look on the internet. I've received this too. I mean, people have scorned me. Like, doesn't matter. It does not matter what you say. What was behind anything. People love to be in contempt. The definition of it in Wikipedia thought this was really good too. Wikipedia says contempt is an attitude toward individuals, social groups and eventually ideologies that evokes a sense of superiority and the right to judge amid feelings of disgust and anger. This set of emotions generally produces maladaptive behavior. Okay, this is what we're dealing with every time it's a group pile on on the internet.
This is what we are participating in. Okay. There is a therapist. His name is Terrence Riel, and he's got some really, really good work out there. He talks about contempt in a way that I had never heard before. It actually was like when I read this, I was like, Oh my gosh, he is so, so right. What he says is that contempt is the emotion that drives both shame and grandiosity. And when we are in outrage, we are often coming from a grandiose place. And many of us will be like, Oh, no, no, I would never be like that. Just pause and consider where that grandiosity might show up. So what he says is that the psychological energy of shame and grandiosity are the same, that they are the same feeling, but just going in opposite directions.
So contempt outward is grandiosity. And that can look like thinking or saying that guy is such an idiot. Contempt inward is shame thinking things like, I'm such an idiot. I mean, so good. So, so good. So just think of that every time you're around someone who is coming with, you know, that grandiosity. Right? Coming with that contempt. They also have that same contempt for themselves. And we all do this as well. I mean, I'm just as guilty as the next person. The more that we can identify how we do this. I mean, this is literally relationship saving in all of our relationships throughout our entire lives.
So he says that contempt is emotional violence either toward others or toward yourself. And it does feel violent. You know, a lot of people haven't been the recipient of this kind of stuff online, but I have. It feels violent, right? It is a mob attack. And I'm not saying this because, like, you should feel sorry for me. That has nothing to do with what we're talking about here at all. Like I can handle myself and I do. But what I'm talking about is, you know, when you get a negative review online or, you know, you post something and someone disagrees, or maybe you're just hiding because you're so afraid that the mob attack is going to come at you.
This is what the majority of people are participating in right now. And what I have seen and what I believe is true is that when we live in outrage, when we spend a lot of time in outrage, then contempt just comes along for the ride. And this is kind of outside the scope of this episode. But if you've ever heard of the Gottman Institute and the Gottman are these two amazing psychologists who have done tons and tons and tons like literally decades and decades and decades worth of research on married couples and contempt for one another is one of the like. The minute they see contempt or notice contempt amongst a couple, they're able to predict with kind of shocking accuracy whether the marriage will make it or not.
And usually with contempt, once there's contempt, the marriage has some real, real problems and probably will dissolve. And that's just what they found from research. You know, it's not an opinion. And so we can, you know, extrapolate that to understand that when we feel contempt in any relationship, that is a relationship killer. You know, we want to feel connected to people. I mean, arguably the purpose of life is to feel that connection with other humans. And when we are participating in contempt and our outrage addicted, we have less and less and less of that. Which explains why we are so miserable, burned out and just want to opt out of everything.
Right? Okay, so what are we going to do about it? I don't want to just sit here and talk about it and explain it and not give you anything to think about, to work on like any kind of approach to start working on this. So I've got some steps here for you. Number one, recognize that this is a problem and that you participate in it. Okay. Like I said before, if any of us thinks that we don't engage in this, like there's no side of the street where you're not doing this, at least in some way, shape or form. Okay, So recognize it's a problem and how you participate in it. That doesn't mean you beat yourself up. That doesn't mean you turn that contempt toward yourself. Okay?
You're just creating awareness. How do you participate in it? Allow yourself to be surprised or to have your eyes opened to what's been happening without your realization. Number two, understand what outrage is robbing you of. Okay, There is a real cost to spending time in outrage. It is your well being and it is the life that you want to live, that you are trading. If you want to be outraged, if you want to live your life, then you're trading away your well-being and the life that you hope to have for yourself. So just understand that I'm not even going to tell you you have to change it, but just recognize what that trade off is.
And are you okay with that? Okay. Number three, name it. So notice when others engage in it and when you do also engage in it or want to if you feel the urge to do it doesn't mean you like are like, oh, you're in contempt over there, you're in outrage addiction. Okay. That's not what I mean by name. It what I mean by name, it is to yourself in your mind going, Oh, that's the outrage. There it is right there. I can hear the contempt. I can feel it. That is it right there. Just start to notice it. Let your brain see it so you can see where others are doing it.
And often when we see others doing it, then we go, Oh, wait, I actually do that too. And this is how that's why group coaching is so powerful, right? Sometimes so much easier to see in other people first. Okay, next. Number four, learn about other sides and don't make up stories about other sides. And just believe them to be true. Like actually educate yourself. This is something that most people don't do, right? People I'll just speak for in the United States. Like people decide that whatever side they're on, that the other side hates America. You know, like comes up with like all of these stories about what they think is true about. Those people without actually educating themselves and really learning.
There is a quote that I found that says, if you're furious, you can't be curious. Okay. If you're furious, you can't be curious. So find the gray zones. You know, in the episode I did a couple of weeks ago on administration and how to deal with that. That's something I talk to you about. Just learn more. Don't just assume that you know what you're talking about because you probably actually don't.
Learn more, ask questions, find out more, and don't assume that, you know, because one time one person said one thing that it's always that way. And this is directed at everybody, including me. We all can get better at doing this. If you're furious, you can't be curious. Okay. Number five, actively work to stop feeling that contempt inward and
outward. Right. If you also show your self contempt, which so many, so many people do, particularly women who struggle with food and weight, it would make sense that we at times are like, don't want to feel the contempt toward me.

I'm going to direct it outward to others. So actively work on changing that. And how do you do that with your thinking? Because the way you think your thoughts create your emotions. Contempt is an emotion. It is a feeling and it's created by the way that you think. So if you can understand, oh, when I think this way it makes me feel contempt. Then you have the opportunity to change the way you think, to shift it into something else that doesn't make you feel contempt.
Now, let me just say, I'm not asking you to switch it a total 180 degrees and be like, These people are incredible and I totally agree with them. That is not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is just let's inch ourselves away from the contempt and the outrage. Let's realize these are humans who want a good life, too. We're all on the same team. You know, we all want to feel like we're winning and everyone that we love is winning. And so we have so much more. I mean, everyone says we have so much more in common than we have differences, and that is true. But just really, really recognizing that seeing the humanity in others, recognizing the contempt and the outrage in yourself and working to shift away from that.
You do that, by the way that you think coaching can be super, super effective and helpful for you in that. And then finally, take action within the sphere of your influence. So it's very easy for us. Many of us do this and I am monitoring myself on this all the time, really feeling a lot of outrage on things that we do not have control over or, you know, feeling outraged and contempt because we think others are more at fault with something than we are. So like climate change is an example for myself, just like a personal example, you know, feeling like, well, what can I do over here? There's nothing that I can even do that's going to make any difference.
Like they it's all their fault and they have to shift it all. But what can I do? Instead of disempowering myself and telling myself about all the things I can't do and how it's other people's problem and they're the ones that fault the the kind of, you know, proverbial they. I'm not even 100% sure who they are. Right. Unnamed folks in positions of power. Right. Like, what can you do? What do you have influence over and get to work taking action there. That's actually in the 12 steps.
Acts of service is a big part of that. And this, I think, kind of, you know, encompasses that. What are the things that you can do? There is certainly something you can contribute with your time, with your energy, with your money. There's things that you can do and do those things instead of just sitting in outrage and contempt for others. What can you do? Create something positive. Put that energy back in the world in a positive way. When we are spending a lot of time in outrage, we are contributing, adding more to the world of what we don't want. So if you want something different, it starts with each one of us individually. If I want a different experience in my life, that's on me.
And same goes for you. Okay. And I will tell you, I just want to leave you with this. In medicine, everybody's talking about how, you know, just people's attitudes and everyone's so burned out and doctors are really struggling and suffering and. Absolutely. And you know what? This is each of our individual responsibilities to figure out how to make it work for ourselves with the current situation. You know, if we're waiting for other people to come and change our thoughts by, you know, adjusting the facts around us so it's easier for us to think more positive thoughts.
You see what I'm saying? We're waiting for administration to change something or whatever laws to change, insurance companies to change, whatever that is. So it's easier for us to think positive thoughts so we can feel better. But if you're going to be waiting friend, you're going to be waiting for a long time. And that's one way of doing it. If you want to do that and be miserable for a long time, you can. But I promise you, because I've seen it in my own clients where they're like, You know what? Everyone's complaining about this thing and that thing. And I actually don't think it's that bad. I actually think that our patient load is pretty fair. I actually think that our compensation is is right where it should be. But they're scared to even say that because of the mob attack, the outrage that they may perceive.
So you may be like, well, then I'll be the only one thinking this way. Probably not. There's others, too, who are looking for permission to not be outraged by everything, you know, and even regardless. Right. You can find connection outside of medicine. There's lots of ways to find, you know, people to be connected to. And there are people who aren't wanting to, you know, vilify everybody and are in a different place in terms of what they can offer. Those people are available and you can find them. They can become your new source of connection to actually support you.
They're not going to sit there and just, you know, bring things up again and again and again and complain about things again and again and again and not let things go. Like how does that help anybody? It doesn't help the person who's doing it and it doesn't help the people who are around it and listening. So this is all of our work, me included. This is all of our work and want to really encourage you to take this seriously. I really encourage you to take this seriously. Just think about how you interact. If you're on social media, you interact in any Facebook groups or things like that. How do you interact? What is the energy you are putting out into the world? Okay, Just really, really think about that and think about what the benefits are to you and what the costs are.
And are you okay with that equation? Because this is really our responsibility. We all want a better world for our children and our grandchildren. Guess what? It starts with us. So let's get to work. Let's do this thing. Okay? We're going to drop it. We're going to stop being outraged by everything. Being offended is a choice, okay? It is a choice. And with that, I'm going to let you go. I hope you have a great rest of your week, hopefully much calmer and without very much outrage. But it's a process, right? It's a process. And don't want to make it sound like you're just flip a switch and it'll be gone. Particularly if you've been doing this a lot. It's going to take some work and the benefits are great, are huge.
And if you struggle with food in your weight, trust me, when you no longer feel so angry and so outraged and so filled with contempt all the time, it will be easier to not eat excess food. Okay. Thank you for your attention. Thank you for your time. As much as I told you not to think about other people, if you know somebody who you think could benefit from this episode, feel free to share it. All right. Take care, friends. Have a great one. Bye bye. Ready to start making progress on your weight loss goals. For lots of free help, go to katrinaubellmd.com and click on Free Resources.