Ep #333: Reframing Your Relationship With Failure

Welcome to the Weight Loss for Busy Physicians podcast. I'm your host, master Certified life and weight loss coach, Katrina Ubell, M.D. This is the podcast where busy doctors like you come to learn how to lose weight for the last time by harnessing the power of your mind. If you're looking to overcome your stress, eating and exhaustion and move into freedom around food, you're in the right place. Well, hello there, my friend. Welcome to today's podcast.

Today I want to talk to you about something that comes up again and again and again. You know, I've been coaching now for seven years, which kind of in the online coaching world is sort of an eternity in terms of perspective for you. Been doing this a long time, and I've talked to a lot of people and helped a lot of people, a lot of physicians. And [00:01:00.00] there is one thing that comes up again and again and again. And I'm not saying this like in in a way that I'm tired of it or anything like that, but in a way that I feel like somehow we need to tweak the message. There's more to say about this because this is like a deeper seated issue. So I want to tell you what inspired me to talk about this today. The the title of this is Reframing Your Relationship with Failure. So let's talk a little bit more about this. So I have been listening to a book by Rick Rubin.

[00:01:34.51] The book is called The Creative Act A Way of Being. So if you don't know who Rick Rubin is, he has been around for a long time in the music production world. So he actually co-founded Def Jam Records with Russell Simmons. I mean, here's just a short list of bands that he's helped produce some of their best work. So Beastie Boys, Geto Boys, Run-DMC, Public Enemy, LL Cool J. Then [00:02:00.00] he moved on to Heavy Metal Danzig, Metallica, Slayer, then Alternative Rock, The Cult, Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Strokes, Weezer, then Hard Rock, Audioslave and Aerosmith and then Nu Metal. Linkin Park. Rage Against the Machine System of a Down Country. Johnny Cash, Dixie Chicks.

I mean, he's done a lot. So MTV named him back in 2007, the most important producer in the last 20 years, He's been on Time's list of the 100 most influential people in the world. He's really a pretty incredible person. So I didn't actually know that much about him, but heard an interview with him on a podcast a little bit ago and he was talking about this book, the Creative Act, and it just kind of spoke to me. I'm real thoughtful and careful. I try not to just buy everything that I hear about, even though I kind of want to, you know, sometimes I'll hear about something and I think to myself, Am I really going to read that? When you know what you mean and how.

Because in this case with Rick Rubin, he was someone that I thought, well, I might consider buying this in audiobook [00:03:00.00] form if he read it. And he did. And so that's what I purchased because I wanted to hear his voice. In doing so, he's just kind of a legend in the music world, and I was just really interested in the way he talked about creativity, because he has been such really just a remarkable success in terms of production. But it's not so much because he comes in with such great ideas. It's the way he thinks about creativity and the way he then approaches these artists, Right?

If you think about it, there's so many different genres of music that he's helped these bands to do super, super well, and he's the common denominator. It's not because he knows that type of music really well. It's because he knows how to help artists, you know, do their best work, how to help get the most and the best out of them, and how to support them in their creative act, whatever that may be. And so that's more what I was really interested in, is not so much of like, what exactly do you do in the recording studio, but much more of his perspective, [00:04:00.00] his philosophy, the way he thinks about things. And, you know, when I listen to stuff like this or read a book, I don't really go in with huge expectations.

[00:04:08.60] I kind of, you know, look at it like, you know, there's for sure going to be something in here that's really helpful and I'm excited to find out what it is rather than this book needs to, you know, knock my socks off because, you know, often they don't, right? And then we end up disappointed. So I always look at it as like, if I get one thing out of this, then I'm winning, then, then that's really good. And so I was listening to this book and he read this one line that was so good. I was walking my dog. I actually stopped, pulled out my phone and typed the line into the note that I have ongoing in my phone for podcast ideas. I was like, Oh, this is good. Okay. So it's not even like so incredible. It just hit me in a certain way and want to talk about it with you. So this is the line failure is the information you need to get where you're going.

I think that this is such an important thing to think about because iif you're listening to this podcast, you very likely are trying to get somewhere. You're trying to get to a place of peace and freedom or on food, peace and freedom with your body. You know, having a relationship with food and a relationship with yourself or maybe food isn't so important anymore where it has a normal or appropriate amount of importance for you, where you're able to think about other things, where you aren't looking at the mirror and immediately, you know, just noticing a litany of negative thoughts about yourself and your appearance, getting your body to a place where you feel comfortable, where it feels like the right size for you.

[00:05:41.06] There's some sort of place you're trying to go and we want someone to give us the information we need to get where we're going, and we want it to be right 100% of the time. We're like, I want you to tell me exactly how to do it, and I want it to work the first time and I want it [00:06:00.00] to be easy and all of that, right? And so what he's saying here is that actually the information you need is the information you get when you fail. So failure is that information you need to get where you're going. So a lot of us hear this intellectually. We're like, yes, that makes sense. Okay. I hear you, Katrina. All right. That's fine. Except when it really comes down to it. When the rubber meets the road, we're extremely uncomfortable when we fail. We really don't like it. And we make it mean all kinds of negative things about us, about what's possible for us.

[00:06:39.85] We tell ourselves stories about ourselves that are very mean, very judgmental. We start to give up. It's like our tolerance. For this is very, very low for many of us. And I think that the more you've gotten yourself into a habit of. Beating [00:07:00.00] yourself up to succeed. The worse this is. And what I mean by beating yourself up to succeed is all throughout your schooling and training and all of that. The way that you motivated yourself was to speak very harshly to yourself, to be judgmental, to be mean. Sometimes it's very overtly mean for some people. For some people, it's maybe a little more subtle, but it's like we still think we're just telling the truth about ourselves.

Well, I'm just this kind of person or, you know, some sort of negative characteristic, like, well, I'm just lazy, so I know I need to this, that and the other thing. Like, that's not a loving or supportive thing to say about yourself, to think about yourself. Yet we still use that motivation to keep us going because we don't want to be that person. So we kind of want to try to prove it wrong. But the minute we step, [00:08:00.00] you know, slightly off track. We've got that mean conversation happening again. And sometimes even when things are going well, we've got it going on to just this constant negative commentary.

[00:08:12.54] So then it makes sense that if something really gets messed up, something you tried really did not work, you do that. And then the response with the way that you think about yourself and talk to yourself is so mean and negative, Then you would do everything in your power to avoid ever messing up. You'd want it to work the first time. You would be really, really, really, really interested and committed to trying to figure it out the first time so you can get the quote unquote, a, you know, the gold star right from the get go. It's a way for you to essentially outsmart your own brain.

If I just do super well the first time, then I don't have to deal with the negative thinking. And this is often [00:09:00.00] something that we're not even super aware of. Until we actually spend some time really trying to understand ourselves and why we do what we do, how we approach things, the way we approach things. So I'm not even judging this as a negative thing. I think this was modeled to many of us by the adults in our lives, by all the just the whole soup that we grew up in, you know, all the different ways and places we just were taught or learned to treat ourselves negatively. We didn't have a lot of other role models like people out there, particularly women who were showing us a different way to think about ourselves.

[00:09:40.59] I actually just spent some time with my mom and a couple of her friends for the weekend and I was noticing some of the things they say. It's like this kind of culture of just negative digs at yourself. And it was apparent to me because of this work that I do, you know. But I think this for them is just the way they've been [00:10:00.00] thinking for 70 plus decades. This is the way they all think about each other and themselves. This is just what they do. This is normal to them.

And these were the people who raised us, right. So this is what we were hearing. And so I'm not blaming them by any stretch, but it's an explanation. It helps us to understand why we struggle in the way that we do. So I really do believe that understanding this then helps us to essentially invite ourselves to have a different relationship with failure, because you never have to do anything. You can keep doing it all the way that you've done. But typically people who are listening to this podcast are people who want something different. If you just want like the usual typical, you know, way of doing this way of thinking about things, there's a million diet gurus out there who can help you.

[00:10:54.73] Right. So what is different here? What's different here is that we're doing it from a different angle. [00:11:00.00] We know that we don't need to beat ourselves up or threaten ourselves or be mean to ourselves to try to get ourselves to do better. Even if you might. You might be like, But listen, Katrina, you don't know me. Actually, yes. That's the only way that I can get something done. And my response to that is, the only reason you believe that is because you've never tried it a different way.

So it's easy to believe if you've always done something one way that you have to keep doing that same process to get the result that you want because you've never done it any other way. So over time you go, Oh, this is how I do it. Except here's the problem Why do we often want to lose weight? Because we want to feel better. We want to feel better in our clothing. We want to feel more peace around food. We want to not think about food so much. We want to just be more comfortable. But if we don't change our brains, then we're just in a smaller body with our brains still telling us all the same mean stuff. So the way we want [00:12:00.00] to feel doesn't come from the size of our bodies.

[00:12:03.72] The way we want to feel comes from the way that we think. And is it easier to think certain thoughts if we change the size of our body? It can be, but that's not what creates it. So we have to get to a place where we are open to the messy middle, so to speak. Right. Be open to committing to figuring this out. That's the starting point. Understanding that there is an end point somewhere in the future where we really feel like, okay, this is who I am now. I am maintaining the weight that I want to maintain. I feel peace and freedom around food. I know how to support myself through the ups and downs of life.

Right. Okay. So that's where we're trying to get to. That's where we're going. And there's going to be something in between there. What is that going to be? We have to be open to the idea that there's going to be failure in there because we're essentially stepping [00:13:00.00] out on a path that we can't see. And the only way that we can essentially expand our vision into the next part of the journey or the path is to fail. The information that we get from failing helps us to know where to step next on the path. So we have to reframe failure. We have to change our whole relationship with it and think about it in a different way so that we are more open to trying things.

[00:13:31.36] I see this all the time with clients who are so afraid to do what actually might feel right to them or to make some sort of modification. Thinking I have to do it exactly as it says here or this one way or the way I heard it, because they're so afraid that if it doesn't work, there's going to be something bad that happens. But my argument is you've got to figure out a way to do this in a way that is individual to you, that works for you as the unique individual [00:14:00.00] that you are.

Or it's not going to be long term. You won't have the success and the long term results that you want. So itrillionequires you to try some things and have them not work. Another thing I hear a lot of is, you know, I've tried all the diets and none of it works, so nothing is going to work in the future. And a lot of people will actually use this as though it's fact. You just have to look at the statistics. People can't lose weight. This is not a thing. A lot of people will speak about this with great authority. It's not possible to lose weight. You shouldn't be telling people they can lose weight. I completely disagree. I just completely disagree.

[00:14:40.43] Just look around to so many people that have done my program and have just completely changed their lives. Like it's just it's just not true. I mean, people who have years and years and years of long term results just not true. But it's easy for us to say because I've failed in the past, it's not possible for me in the future or maybe for anybody. [00:15:00.00] But what we're forgetting is that all that failure that we've experienced up until this point has information in it if we're willing to listen to it. Right? Yeah. Okay. So restricting myself and being hungry all the time, that's not a good way.

God, I remember doing Weight Watchers in medical school and just, you know, eating my dinner or whatever, and then being so hungry and drinking so much diet soda, just like the bubbles and the flavor. Just like trying to meet my body's needs. Yeah, I made a deal with myself. We're not doing it like that anymore. There is a way to lose weight where you're not starving all the time. I'm glad I figured out what that is, but you may not have had that experience yet. That doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. It doesn't mean that you have to have a disordered relationship with food. In fact, if you're having a disordered relationship with food, that's something that we need to work on.

[00:15:54.72] We could argue that that is a failure in quotes in the sense that that's not what [00:16:00.00] you're wanting, it's not giving you the result that you want. And so that needs to be changed. But what is there to learn from that? There's going to be something to be learned from that. So I want you to really start thinking if failure is the information you need to get where you're going, then it would make sense to be willing to fail more so that you could get the information you need so you can get to where you're going, so you can get that result that you want.

How can you expand your capacity to fail? How can you increase your comfort level with it? It may never feel super comfortable, but maybe you can move through it faster. Maybe you can skip the part where you beat yourself up and you're mean to yourself and you're judging yourself and you're thinking, This is never going to work. Maybe you can go, okay, you know what? I tried something. It didn't work. Okay. What lesson can be learned from this so I can make a [00:17:00.00] more educated decision moving forward to do something else, to move myself towards where I want to go. The clients that I see who really not only lose weight because I've told you this before, but it's really true.

[00:17:13.62] At the end of my program, people are like, Oh my gosh, no way, Whatever I wanted to weigh. And that's amazing. But that's not the best part. Like the best part is my relationships are so much better. I actually love my job again. I just am so much more joyful in the world, like so many amazing things, right? So the way they got to that was by being willing to mess up, to screw up, to try some things, to not have it work, to learn the lessons.

And let that inform what they do moving forward. And they also just didn't give up. Sometimes we're like, Well, I can tolerate some failure, but not that much. At a certain point it's too much failure. And I have to, you know, cut it off. And I want to encourage you to just consider [00:18:00.00] that if you're not where you want to be, that it would be helpful to change that belief, to go, you know what, I'm willing to fail as often as it takes to get where I'm going because I really want to get there. And if you don't want to get there, that's okay too. We can also just be honest with ourselves Now. I always say, listen, I don't care if you lose weight or not. I do think that it's a worthwhile endeavor to work on creating peace and freedom around food for everybody, though, because lose weight or don't or gain weight, I mean, doesn't matter to me.

[00:18:32.96] But to be able to have a peaceful existence around food and not have it be controlling your thoughts and being a more present part of your life than you want it to be, I think that is something that benefit everybody. That's my personal opinion. But even that requires you to try some things to see what worked, to try something different. There are so many things that I've tried that didn't work to be able to figure out what does work, and I want to encourage [00:19:00.00] you to do the same. And so there's nobody who can tell you that nothing's possible if you are willing to keep failing until you figure it out.

So that's what I'm going to leave you with. Failure is the information you need to get where you're going. So by Rick Rubin in the creative act, a way of being. So let's consider that. How can we fail more, but in an intentional way in the sense that we're not going, well, I'm going to do this thing to just fail, but instead going, I'm going to try this thing. I'm going to put myself out there. I'm going to make an attempt. And I'm going to see what happens and if and when it doesn't go the way I wanted it to, I'm going to make sure I learn from that and allow that information, that new learning to inform what I do next.

[00:19:45.05] And then I'm going to try the next thing and I'm going to rinse and repeat again and again and again until I get to where I'm going, until I'm at the place I want to be. So let's all practice this. It's so, so good. It [00:20:00.00] doesn't always feel great, but, you know, it does feel great is knowing that deep down you're going to keep going. You're not going to give up on yourself. You're willing to stand by and be patient as you try a whole bunch of things. And some things work and some things don't.
And you're just going to keep going until you figure it out. That actually feels good, even when you're not where you want to be at.

So let's give it a try. Let's do some more failing. And practicing supporting ourselves afterward, rather than allowing the failure to suck us into a negative feeling vortex. All right, friend. I wish you the very best this week. I hope you have a great rest of your week and I will talk to you next time. Take care. Bye bye. Ready to start making progress on your weight loss goals. For lots of free help, go to katrinaubellmd.com and click on Free Resources.